Ask Cloudhead: Questionable Guidance from a Vape Shop That’s Tired of Wasteful Shit

ASK CLOUDHEAD #1

“Dear Cloudhead, I keep losing my vape. Am I okay?”

I’ve lost three vapes this week. One at my ex’s house (they’re keeping it), one somewhere in my car (it’s gone now), and one I’m pretty sure got sucked into a parallel dimension through my couch cushions.
Do I need help? Am I okay? Why am I like this?

– Vanishing Clouds in Buffalo

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Dear Vanishing Clouds,

You are not okay. But not in a way that makes you unique.

You, like many in the vape-addled masses, are trapped in a brutal cycle known as “pocket denial.” You think your vape is in your hoodie. It isn’t. You think it’s in the car. It’s not. You think your couch is a trustworthy entity. Rookie mistake.

Let’s unpack:

• Your ex now owns your vape. That’s a hostage situation. But also karma.
• Your car has become a vape Bermuda Triangle. It’s time.
• The couch? It ate it. That’s payment for the life you’ve chosen.

But the real answer here? You need a designated vape caddy. A holster. A tactical pouch. Possibly a leash. And when (not if) you finally give up on the lost ones, bring them to Cloudhead. We’ll recycle them without judgment. (Okay, some judgment.)

You’re not okay, but you’re ours now.

– Cloudhead

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Coming next week:

“Dear Cloudhead, my friend vapes in the bathroom and blames it on steam. How do I make them stop?”