In my ongoing attempt to understand why people keep hurling disposable vapes into storm drains like candy wrappers from the underworld, I decided to go straight to the source.
I interviewed a used vape. It did not go well.
Me: So, what exactly do you do after people finish with you?
Vape: I like to take long naps in sewer systems and eventually dissolve into a toxic chemical ooze. It’s my way of giving back.
Me: That’s horrifying.
Vape: And yet, here I am. On sidewalks, in playgrounds, tucked lovingly into bushes by people who think “recycling” is a conspiracy.
Me: Wouldn’t it be better if people brought you to Cloudhead so you could be properly recycled?
Vape: That would ruin my whole brand. I live for chaos and microplastic infiltration. Cloudhead turns me into usable battery material. Disgusting.
Me: You’re kind of an environmental menace.
Vape: Thank you. I trained with plastic straws and soda rings.
Let’s be real: your vape isn’t your friend. It’s not cute. It doesn’t want to be recycled. But you can be the hero in this weird little love story.
Bring it to Cloudhead. We’ll make sure it goes somewhere that’s not, you know, the inside of a fish.
Because letting your vape decide its afterlife is like letting your ex write your resume. Don’t be that person.
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